Kind of a heavy post – short but took a while to write   Leave a comment


Last night I had a pretty nasty round of gender dysphoria.

gender dysphoria

n.

A persistent unease with having the physical characteristics of one’s gender, accompanied by strong identification with the opposite gender and a desire to live as or to become a member of the opposite gender.
It’s not something I talk about very much.  I’m actually pretty fortunate in that my episodes aren’t frequent – a lot of people in my situation are a lot worse off.
It all started when I was derping around on fark.com.  Seems there is a young man who had petitioned (and at that point had been denied; the principal has since changed his mind) for permission to wear a kilt to his senior prom.  The discussion threads on Fark are usually pretty funny, so I clicked the link and before too long I realized it had turned into a “hot guys in kilts” thread.  **Side note: I’m totally into kilts.  Not like a fetish or anything, I just think they’re awesome.  When I’ve managed to shrink down to their size range, I will sport a Utilikilt.  Kind of ironic, isn’t it?**  I never imagined flipping through pictures of musclebound shirtless dudes in tartan skirts (do I sound gay yet?) would make me feel so damn bad.
Of course we’ve all been there.   The media tells us we’re all supposed to be Victoria’s Secret and Calvin Klein models.  Usually we get over it by the time we’re in our 20s and have figured out that we’ll still get laid even if we’re not pretty enough to be in a magazine.  I’ve gotten over it myself for the most part.  But when the dysphoria does hit,  I think what makes it so visceral is that I never even got the chance to be a muscly dude in a kilt – I was always just some freak that gave normal people the willies.  My self-esteem (which isn’t great to begin with) takes a nosedive.  I get angry all over again and spend a couple of days in a frighteningly foul mood, cursing my life and all the things I’ve missed out on and all the times I’ve been kicked because I just don’t fit.
Anyway, I’m better now.  I had kind of a rough night last night but writing all this stuff down helps.  Time to hit the weights – see you next time.

 

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Posted March 28, 2012 by justanotherfatboy in Uncategorized

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